i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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