If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
