I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just pynch a tree in the face
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
