what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
