do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
the room spins SO much faster in panama
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
