I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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