yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
