I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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