Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
