I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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