so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
