when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
