I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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