I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
