I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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