Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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