i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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