I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
