dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
