we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
