did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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