Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
