I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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