Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
