Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
His hands were made for my vagina.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
