i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
