When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
