Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
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