there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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