Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
