hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
