after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Randomize
