I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
