I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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