They should really pass out barf bags in church
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Randomize