Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
