i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Did we literally take a cab across the street
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
