just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize