toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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