I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
