i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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