she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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