I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I need to calm my uterus...
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
