it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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