this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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