I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
