dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Farmville is her only friend.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
