i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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