i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
