mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
