ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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