i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
