i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
