I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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