Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Come see our sink grown plant.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
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